Sexual orientation is not something you can change through effort, therapy, or willpower, though many people have tried and some still believe they can.
Sexual orientation—who you are attracted to—is a core part of who you are, shaped by a combination of biology, development, and life experience. Major medical and psychological organizations, including the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, and the World Health Organization, have concluded that sexual orientation is not a mental illness, a disorder, or something broken that needs fixing.
If you are asking this question because you are uncomfortable with your own orientation, or because someone else is pressuring you to change, that discomfort is real—but the solution is not to change your orientation. It is to understand what you are experiencing and find support that does not ask you to deny who you are.
Key Takeaways
- Sexual orientation is a stable part of identity that does not change through therapy, prayer, medication, or willpower, according to major medical organizations.
- Conversion therapy—attempts to change sexual orientation through psychological or religious intervention—does not work and causes documented psychological harm.
- If you are struggling with your orientation, the distress usually comes from external pressure or internalized shame, not from the orientation itself.
- Speaking with a therapist who affirms LGBTQ+ identity, rather than one who tries to change it, can help you work through confusion or discomfort.
- Many people who questioned their orientation at one point came to accept it; others discovered their orientation was different than they first thought, but through self-discovery, not change efforts.
Why conversion therapy does not work and causes harm
Conversion therapy is the term for any attempt—usually by a therapist, religious counselor, or religious organization—to change someone's sexual orientation or gender identity. It includes talk therapy, prayer, aversion techniques, and other interventions. Despite decades of use, no credible research shows it works.
What research does show is that conversion therapy causes measurable harm. People who undergo it report increased depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. The American Psychological Association, in a 2009 task force report, found that conversion therapy is ineffective and potentially harmful, and that it is based on the false premise that homosexuality is a disorder.
If someone is pressuring you to undergo conversion therapy—whether a parent, religious leader, or counselor—that pressure itself is a form of harm. You have the right to refuse, and you have the right to seek support elsewhere.
What actually changes when people question their orientation
Many people do experience shifts in how they understand their sexuality over time. A person might identify as straight for years, then realize they are attracted to the same sex. Another might identify as gay, then discover they are also attracted to other genders. These are not changes in orientation itself; they are changes in understanding and acceptance of an orientation that was always there.
What often changes is not attraction, but willingness to acknowledge it. Someone raised in a family or community that condemned homosexuality might spend years denying or suppressing same-sex attraction, then later come out. The attraction did not appear; the denial lifted.
Some people also discover that their orientation is more fluid or complex than they initially thought—for example, realizing they are bisexual rather than straight, or asexual rather than heterosexual. Again, this is self-discovery, not change caused by effort or intervention.
The difference between orientation and behavior
Sexual orientation is who you are attracted to. Sexual behavior is what you choose to do. These are not the same thing. You cannot change your orientation, but you can choose your behavior—and that choice is yours alone to make.
Some people choose celibacy for religious or personal reasons. Some people in same-sex relationships choose monogamy or other relationship structures. Some people suppress their attractions for years. None of these choices change the underlying orientation, and all of them come with real costs to mental health and wellbeing if they are driven by shame rather than genuine personal conviction.
If you are struggling with your orientation
Discomfort with your own sexuality usually comes from one of two sources: external pressure (family, religion, community telling you your orientation is wrong) or internalized shame (you have absorbed those messages and turned them against yourself). Neither of these means your orientation is the problem.
If you are confused about your orientation, that is normal. Sexual orientation can take time to understand, and there is no rush to label yourself or come out. You can explore your feelings at your own pace, in private, without pressure.
If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts related to your orientation, those are signs you need support—but not conversion therapy. A therapist who practices affirming therapy (also called LGBTQ+-affirming therapy) will help you work through shame and confusion without asking you to change who you are. You can search for affirming therapists through organizations like The Trevor Project, PFLAG, or Psychology Today's therapist finder, which lets you filter by specialization.
What to do if someone is pressuring you to change
If a parent, religious leader, school official, or counselor is pressuring you to change your orientation or undergo conversion therapy, you have options depending on your age and situation.
If you are a minor and your parents are pressuring you, reach out to a trusted adult outside your family—a school counselor, teacher, relative, or friend's parent. You can also contact The Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386, available 24/7) or text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. Both offer confidential support and can help you think through your options.
If you are an adult and someone is pressuring you, you can set a boundary: tell them directly that your orientation is not up for discussion or change, and that you will not participate in conversion therapy or similar efforts. You may need to limit contact with people who refuse to respect that boundary.
Understanding sexual fluidity versus change
Sexual fluidity is the term for shifts in attraction or identity over time—and it is real. Some people experience changes in who they are attracted to at different points in their lives. A woman might be attracted only to men for years, then develop attraction to women. A man might identify as gay, then later identify as bisexual.
These shifts are not the result of effort or therapy. They happen naturally as people grow, have new experiences, and become more honest with themselves. Sexual fluidity is different from conversion therapy because it is not forced, it is not driven by shame, and it is not presented as a problem to be solved.
If you experience a shift in how you understand your orientation, that is part of being human. It does not mean you were wrong before, and it does not mean you need to change yourself. It means you are learning more about yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can therapy help me change my sexual orientation?
No. Conversion therapy does not work and causes harm. However, therapy with an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist can help you work through shame, confusion, or family pressure related to your orientation. The goal is acceptance and wellbeing, not change.
What if I am not sure about my orientation?
Uncertainty is normal and does not require you to do anything right away. You can take time to understand yourself without pressure to label yourself or come out. If you want to talk to someone, an affirming therapist or counselor can help you explore your feelings in a safe space.
Is it possible that I am wrong about my orientation?
It is possible that as you learn more about yourself, your understanding of your orientation shifts. But this is self-discovery, not change caused by effort. If you are questioning, give yourself permission to explore without pressure or shame.
What should I do if my family wants me to change?
Set a boundary: tell them your orientation is not up for discussion or change. If they continue to pressure you or threaten you, reach out to a trusted adult, school counselor, or The Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386). You deserve support that accepts who you are.
Can prayer or religious practice change my orientation?
No. Many LGBTQ+ people practice religion and hold deep faith while accepting their orientation. Your faith and your identity are not in conflict unless someone tells you they are. If your religious community is rejecting you, there are LGBTQ+-affirming religious communities and counselors who can help you find a path that honors both.