Sexual orientation is not something you can change through effort, therapy, or willpower

Sexual orientation — who you are attracted to — develops early and remains stable throughout your life. Major medical and psychological organizations, including the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, and the World Health Organization, have concluded that sexual orientation is not a disorder, a choice, or something that can be altered by therapy or intervention.

If you are questioning your sexuality, that questioning itself is normal. Many people take time to understand their attractions, and that process of self-discovery is different from changing orientation. You may realize over time that your attractions are different from what you thought, or that they are more complex than a single label. That is understanding yourself more clearly, not changing who you are.

Key Takeaways

  • Sexual orientation is determined early in development and does not change in response to therapy, religion, or personal effort.
  • Questioning your sexuality and taking time to understand your attractions is a normal part of self-discovery, not a sign that something is wrong.
  • Conversion therapy — attempts to change sexual orientation through psychological or religious intervention — is ineffective and causes documented psychological harm.
  • If you are struggling with your sexuality, speaking with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist or counselor can help you understand yourself and process your feelings in a safe environment.
  • Your sexuality is part of who you are; acceptance and self-understanding are healthier paths than attempts to change.

Why conversion therapy does not work and causes harm

Conversion therapy refers to any attempt to change someone's sexual orientation or gender identity through psychological, religious, or medical intervention. These practices have been thoroughly studied and found to be ineffective. People who undergo conversion therapy do not change their sexual orientation.

Research shows that conversion therapy causes real psychological damage. People who have been through these programs report increased rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. The American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, and the National Association of Social Workers all oppose conversion therapy and have issued statements warning against its use.

If someone has suggested conversion therapy to you, or if you are considering it, understand that it will not change who you are attracted to — but it can harm your mental health. Speaking with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist instead can help you process your feelings without trying to change something that cannot and should not be changed.

The difference between questioning and changing

Questioning your sexuality is not the same as changing it. Many people spend time figuring out what their attractions actually are, especially if they grew up in environments where certain orientations were not discussed or were discouraged. That process of understanding yourself is healthy and normal.

You might realize that you are attracted to people you did not expect to be attracted to. You might find that a label you used before does not fit anymore. You might discover that your attractions are more fluid or complex than you thought. All of these are examples of coming to know yourself better, not of your orientation changing.

If you are in the middle of this process, give yourself time and space to explore your feelings without pressure. Talking to other people who have gone through similar questioning — whether through LGBTQ support groups, online communities, or trusted friends — can help you feel less alone and more confident in understanding yourself.

What research actually shows about sexual orientation

Sexual orientation appears to be shaped by a combination of biological factors, including genetics and prenatal hormones, along with early life experiences. The exact mechanisms are still being studied, but the evidence is clear that orientation is not chosen and does not develop in response to parenting style, trauma, or social influence.

Studies of identical twins show that when one twin is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, the other twin is more likely to be as well — even when they were raised apart. This suggests a biological component. At the same time, sexual orientation is complex, and no single "gay gene" has been found. The reality is that multiple factors work together in ways we are still learning about.

What we know for certain is that sexual orientation is stable. People do not wake up one day and decide to be attracted to a different gender. Orientation may become clearer over time as you have more life experience, but the underlying attractions do not fundamentally shift.

If you are struggling with your sexuality

Struggling with your sexuality often means struggling with how others perceive it, not with the sexuality itself. You might be worried about how family, friends, or your community will react. You might be afraid of discrimination or rejection. Those are real concerns, and they are worth taking seriously — but they are different from your orientation being wrong or needing to change.

If you are in an unsafe environment, prioritize your safety first. That might mean waiting to come out, finding trusted people outside your when ready circle, or planning for independence before being open about your sexuality. Safety comes before honesty.

If you are safe and straightforward processing your feelings, an LGBTQ-affirming therapist can help. These are mental health professionals who understand that sexual orientation is normal and who can help you work through internalized shame, family conflict, or confusion about your identity. They do not try to change you; they help you understand and accept yourself.

Resources for understanding yourself

If you want to learn more about sexual orientation and identity, organizations like The Trevor Project, PFLAG, and the Human Rights Campaign offer free educational materials and support. Many areas have LGBTQ community centers that offer support groups, counseling, and social events where you can meet other people navigating similar questions.

Online communities can also be helpful, though be cautious about the spaces you join. Look for communities moderated by LGBTQ people themselves, where the focus is on support and self-understanding rather than judgment or pressure to label yourself in any particular way.

If you are a young person and your family is not supportive, The Trevor Project operates a crisis line at 1-866-488-7386 and offers text and chat support as well. If you are in when ready danger, contact local emergency services.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can therapy change my sexual orientation?

No. Therapy that attempts to change sexual orientation — called conversion therapy — does not work and causes psychological harm. LGBTQ-affirming therapy, by contrast, helps you understand and accept yourself without trying to change who you are attracted to.

What if I am attracted to multiple genders?

Bisexual and pansexual orientations are real and stable. Attraction to multiple genders does not mean you are confused or going through a phase. Like all sexual orientations, it is a normal part of human diversity.

Is it normal to question your sexuality?

Yes. Many people take time to understand their attractions, especially if they grew up in environments where certain orientations were not discussed. Questioning is a healthy part of self-discovery and does not mean anything is wrong with you.

What should I do if my family wants me to change?

Your family's discomfort does not mean you need to change. If you are safe, consider finding a supportive therapist or counselor to help you navigate family relationships. If you are not safe, prioritize your safety and reach out to trusted adults, school counselors, or crisis lines like The Trevor Project.

Can my sexuality change over time?

Your underlying orientation does not change, but your understanding of it may become clearer as you have more life experience. You might also realize that a label you used before does not fit, or that your attractions are more complex than you thought. That is self-understanding, not change.